I'm feeling all sorts of things right now.
First off, I feel guilty for not taking time to comment on journals or take the time to really establish a relationship with anyone. Not only on this site, but in my life. I have really sweet, helpful, caring, amazing friends who while live a long distances from me, I don't take the time to really talk to them like I should. Even once a week is better than nothing, and I rarely even do that.
However, these past few months have been extremely productive; so much that they have in a way, altered my outlook on life.
January was the last month of the school semester, and it was a stressful one. I took my SATs and completed my finals in the same week. There was work and only work with no time for anything else. I gave myself little time for anything or anyone. My formerly daily watched television and internet programs were being neglected, and I found myself concentrating on what I deemed to be important; my work, and the way I presented myself, because I was still awkward in the way I spoke and moved around my peers and to adults, even though I rarely spoke directly to them at all. I moved in and out of my workout routine and wore nothing but my sweaters, blouses, and winter jackets. I appeared slimmer and prettier, but for some reason still felt defeated. I had no reason to, I was doing everything I said I was going to do and was supposed to do. I gave up the things I loved for a number of weeks just to accomplish things sooner and to cut procrastination and bad eating habits that caused depression. I went without listening to music for the longest time in awhile, because I found it to be distracting. It kept bringing back memories that I didn't want replayed anymore. Winter seemed as if it would never end.
February was full of wonder. Oregon had its first snowstorm in seven years. We got six inches of snow and school was cancelled for three and a half days. I walked for miles out in the snow and didn't think a thing about it. It was just another life experience, and it may not happen again for years here in Oregon. The best part to me was not even being physically outside, but being inside and watching it happen in disbelief and excitement.
I've looked forward to the Congress of Future Medical Leaders since October, and knowing it happened just three weeks ago is beyond me. I navigated the Portland Airport by myself and flew as a passenger alone with a destination that spanned the entire country. I was scared to death to fly even with supervision not too long ago.
I was greeted upon my arrival to DC with another ten inch blanket of snow. I've never seen so much snow anywhere else. The sidewalks, roads, gates, mailboxes, garages, dividends and separators were all in uniform, and outside there wasn't a soul to be seen, nor footprints in the snow. I saw ice crystals glisten, and this snow could of brightened the darkest of nights. It was beautiful and magical.
The congress itself lasted three days and it raised my spirits and confidence in the hope of one day becoming a medical scientist; but what it didn't do was establish the steps to take to actually become one. I got little guidance and advice, and somehow ended up more confused than when I came in. The rewards I got out of it were just two more things to add to my transcript and resume: Recipient of the Congress of Future Medical Leaders Award of Excellence, and Torch and Laurel Honor Society member. But neither of these things will really distinguish myself from thousands of applicants at competitive colleges, and all the competitive colleges are too expensive and far away from home anyway. The people, the atmosphere, and my temporary home environment are nearly as important to me as the academic part of college.
The ups and downs continued; I found out I did worse than expected on the SAT; I mean, I received above average, but barely so. I could of done so much better, especially on the essay section, but what the hell do these people expect out of twenty five minutes and with no opportunity for background research? I can craft a well constructed essay for sure, but as any writer knows, it takes hours at the very least, even for a short essay. I've heard that College Board would even omit the essay and the 1/4 point reduction for wrong answers in 2016. Figures. I think the ACT will do me more justice anyhow.
I keep changing my interests and major ideas. Right now I'm thinking about majoring in Health Sciences, but I also love English, psychology, and music. I could see myself as a medical scientist conducting laboratory experiments and writing articles or a music professor teaching music history and I'm not sure which excites me more. As much as I love to write, a writing career would be awfully stressful and I'm not so good at working with deadlines, as I seem to always procrastinate. I pull it off and put a lot of effort into what I do, but I'm a very "in the moment" type of worker and if something has a due date that's three months away, I'm a lot less likely to put a lot of worry into it earlier and keep pushing it until the deadline is sooner than I would like it to be. I'm trying to be in control of my life, but I know that is far from what I am.
However, the best news of them all came just recently. For awhile I considered applying to University of Oregon, George Fox, Reed College, or Linfield. But another private Christian college called Corban University sent me a number of emails. They had an overnight visit night which included a late night breakfast, chapel, a talent show, and some classes without the homework. The college was on top of a large hill (with a nice view of the woman's jail,)
and the college at a glimpse wasn't as spectacular as the advertising with its 34% acceptance rate and beautiful clock tower. It wasn't the campus itself that was so beautiful, but the people. They were very sweet and accepting. I had no problems with the staff, and didn't feel uncomfortable with anyone, and I couldn't say that with University of Oregon or Linfield. I could actually see myself being a student here and meeting some amazing people along the way.
Anyway, after the visit I applied to Corban University as an Early Admit Student. This means that starting fall of my senior year, I'll be in duel enrollment with college and high school. I submitted my transcript, my SAT scores, and a recommendation letter and hoped for the best.
And now, in March, just three days ago I got the letter in the mail of my acceptance to Corban University!!
No matter if I choose to go to Corban the next four years, I can still recieve college credit that can transfer. At the beginning of the school year I wanted to skip my senior year altogether and now I don't have to! I can't believe this worked out for me and I'm so happy!
I also started track two days ago. I'm no runner, but am doing discus, javelin, and shot put. It's completely new to me, but I'm ready to learn. I can even somewhat see my early efforts in weight training paying off. I could squat 150 while the other girls in my group were squatting 100. I haven't tried any more weight than that, but may try to increase it soon with more reliable people supervising me.
My studying in January paid off and I finished the first semester with straight As. Second semester is even more fun than the first so far. I just finished three tests and a psychology presentation, and still have time for myself now that I'm spending less time on the internet. One thing I can say about myself now that I couldn't say two months back, is that I have confidence now and I hope it will last.
And today? I'm sore, tired, and hungry from training I'm not quite used to yet. And while I'm a long way from finding myself, I'm beginning to see the light in what I've been doing and years of hard work and studying paying off at last. Acquaintances who I talked to on and off in class have become quality friends who have taken the place of others that ended up hurting me, and I think this may just be the start to a new chapter in my life.
To me, spring signifies a season of growth. But while plants and flowers need sunshine, they can't grow without the rain. Growth of character comes from experience, and life without conflict would be a boring one. I saw the magical side of winter, a resolution, and a glimpse of warmer months to come.