I don't know what to focus on with this. The first paragraph spoke to me the most, it was the one that I could connect with the easiest, and I loved it. As for the other ones, I can't say I have felt what you have felt, that I empathize, but I can damn well say that you have helped me understand what you felt and that I sympathize. It was wordy, and slightly headache inducing, but I think that by the end of it you don't mind in the slightest. I guess one way to fix that may be to try and connect all of the individual sentences? I feel like you're playing connect the dots with me, but you're just poking holes in random places, and while I can see the holes clearly, and I can see where they all clump together, I can't quite see exactly the picture all the holes make. But I can feel it. And I think that is what's most important.
I cannot relate on all levels of this piece and that is okay. This is yours. Yet, I did feel compel to tell you honesty is key and admitting defeat, saying, "Yes, I am sorry" is just as admirable then holding on to idea and habits which you have had for years.
This is a very emotional work. It is nice to read on a personal level. It hits the soul, as they say.
Thank you. I am glad you gave me the chance to read this.
I'm not gonna do an official critique, because this isn't something that should be ripped apart and forced into a fancy little box with a cute bow. In fact, this is something that should be messy and sloppy and perfectly ungrammatically correct.
Emotion can't be forced into that perfect little box. Well, at least it shouldn't be. And the people that do that don't understand their emotions.
Since I'm not critiquing, I'm gonna just tell you what I think of it.
I love it.
It's something real an viable in a place where there is so much fraud and fake. It helps that I can empathize with you on many counts. Fuck, damn near all counts.
And it's because of that that I feel the need to say the following.
Because of the dark connotations at the end of this and my own experiences with suicide, trust me, there is more to life and living for. If you only focus on the negatives in your life, relationships and effect that you have on others, there will always only seem to be one possible outcome. And it's not worth it. Honestly. It's not.
I've found that focusing on the positive things I have makes all the bad horrible things go away. I had a shitty childhood filled with things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I made it through because of my brother and my need to make sure he was safe. Now I'm good. I'm healthy. I have healthy relationships with other people. I have loving relationships with other people that love me for who I am and don't try to change me to fit some label in pop culture.
Shit, I kinda went off on a tangent there. Sorry. This is just a topic that really hits home with me and makes me worry about others. Feeling worthless is the absolute worse feeling in the world, and it hurts me to know there are wonderful people out there that don't know how to look at themselves right because no one was there to show them.
This means so much coming from you, thank you for the lovely comment.
Most of this is behind me now, though I can't help but to think these things time and time again. It warms me knowing that you can relate to this as well, and that you've healed since.
I can't agree more. Most of those kids just have that smile plastered on their face, and when ask they lie themselves out so they won't have to face anyone but themselves. Growing up, I was one of them.
Seriously though, I'm happy you've worked through this, and yes there are times when it comes back. Even after it's years later. I have a rock solid housemate that takes car of me when times are bad, though. Not sure what I'd do without her sometimes. You should get one of them. But not mine. I don't like to share.
Yeah, it comes back. It came back today. It will probably come again tomorrow, or this week, or just hit me when I least expect it. DA is a wonderful outlet for this kind of thing, since I really have no one else to talk to about it. My family would gripe about it if anything, and I'm a loner anywhere else. Not that I mind. Finding this site is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I've made more friends on here than I have anywhere else my whole life...
I am ... not sure how much of this piece is actually yourself or some kind of abstract lyrical I. Not because it does not feel real, but I just hope that last paragraph refers to a lyrical I and not yourself. Reading this piece actually hurt. it hurt my heart for you, because it was filled with so many raw emotions. Just in case that was the real you speaking in the next to last paragraph: I am absolutely sure god would NEVER be ashamed of you. On the contrary I am sure you are most precious to him and he will keep searching for you like for the lost sheep.
Maybe I am being a bit ridiculous right now, but I just fell I need to do this: