I don't know what to focus on with this. The first paragraph spoke to me the most, it was the one that I could connect with the easiest, and I loved it. As for the other ones, I can't say I have felt what you have felt, that I empathize, but I can damn well say that you have helped me understand what you felt and that I sympathize. It was wordy, and slightly headache inducing, but I think that by the end of it you don't mind in the slightest. I guess one way to fix that may be to try and connect all of the individual sentences? I feel like you're playing connect the dots with me, but you're just poking holes in random places, and while I can see the holes clearly, and I can see where they all clump together, I can't quite see exactly the picture all the holes make. But I can feel it. And I think that is what's most important.
I cannot relate on all levels of this piece and that is okay. This is yours. Yet, I did feel compel to tell you honesty is key and admitting defeat, saying, "Yes, I am sorry" is just as admirable then holding on to idea and habits which you have had for years.
This is a very emotional work. It is nice to read on a personal level. It hits the soul, as they say.
Thank you. I am glad you gave me the chance to read this.
I'm not gonna do an official critique, because this isn't something that should be ripped apart and forced into a fancy little box with a cute bow. In fact, this is something that should be messy and sloppy and perfectly ungrammatically correct.
Emotion can't be forced into that perfect little box. Well, at least it shouldn't be. And the people that do that don't understand their emotions.
Since I'm not critiquing, I'm gonna just tell you what I think of it.
I love it.
It's something real an viable in a place where there is so much fraud and fake. It helps that I can empathize with you on many counts. Fuck, damn near all counts.
And it's because of that that I feel the need to say the following.
Because of the dark connotations at the end of this and my own experiences with suicide, trust me, there is more to life and living for. If you only focus on the negatives in your life, relationships and effect that you have on others, there will always only seem to be one possible outcome. And it's not worth it. Honestly. It's not.
I've found that focusing on the positive things I have makes all the bad horrible things go away. I had a shitty childhood filled with things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I made it through because of my brother and my need to make sure he was safe. Now I'm good. I'm healthy. I have healthy relationships with other people. I have loving relationships with other people that love me for who I am and don't try to change me to fit some label in pop culture.
Shit, I kinda went off on a tangent there. Sorry. This is just a topic that really hits home with me and makes me worry about others. Feeling worthless is the absolute worse feeling in the world, and it hurts me to know there are wonderful people out there that don't know how to look at themselves right because no one was there to show them.
This means so much coming from you, thank you for the lovely comment.
Most of this is behind me now, though I can't help but to think these things time and time again. It warms me knowing that you can relate to this as well, and that you've healed since.
I can't agree more. Most of those kids just have that smile plastered on their face, and when ask they lie themselves out so they won't have to face anyone but themselves. Growing up, I was one of them.
Seriously though, I'm happy you've worked through this, and yes there are times when it comes back. Even after it's years later. I have a rock solid housemate that takes car of me when times are bad, though. Not sure what I'd do without her sometimes. You should get one of them. But not mine. I don't like to share.
Yeah, it comes back. It came back today. It will probably come again tomorrow, or this week, or just hit me when I least expect it. DA is a wonderful outlet for this kind of thing, since I really have no one else to talk to about it. My family would gripe about it if anything, and I'm a loner anywhere else. Not that I mind. Finding this site is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I've made more friends on here than I have anywhere else my whole life...
I am ... not sure how much of this piece is actually yourself or some kind of abstract lyrical I. Not because it does not feel real, but I just hope that last paragraph refers to a lyrical I and not yourself. Reading this piece actually hurt. it hurt my heart for you, because it was filled with so many raw emotions. Just in case that was the real you speaking in the next to last paragraph: I am absolutely sure god would NEVER be ashamed of you. On the contrary I am sure you are most precious to him and he will keep searching for you like for the lost sheep.
Maybe I am being a bit ridiculous right now, but I just fell I need to do this:
I wrote this at a time of when I was really thinking about these things, like about how much nothing I really do for anyone. I used to be so close to God and I feel like I'm not so much anymore. I used to pray every night automatically, and now I have to force myself to pray or read scripture or even talk to him. Whenever I do start to talk to him, I start crying knowing how lost I really am and the help I really do need, but I never want to receive it. I know harming myself won't do them any good and it certainly won't do me any good either, but when you're already dying inside it seems so normal. I want to get closer to God, I don't feel anything from him anymore like I did when I was younger and willing to live for him. I still believe very much in him of course, but now I have so many questions and it hurts.
I think it is normal that the relationship to god has certain 'fluctuation' so to speak. Like a relationship to a friend might sometimes be closer and sometimes a bit further away from each other. I feel I am currently also in such a 'further-away-phase' in my relationship to god. And having questions in my opinion is an absolutely healthy sign. I think you can't read the bible, truly consider it and have no questions, especially if you are in a bad/ unhappy situation yourself (Most of all the stone-old question of 'WHY does god allow this?' will probably come up). in my opinion that just means you have grown more mature and start to question things. If you like we can talk about this (just send me a note). I also recommend reading Luke 15 if I may.
I must immediately recognize that there are grammatical flaws. Within the first couple of lines, I took notice of a few. It doesn't take away from the piece but I thought to inform you it may be best to go over the piece again to fix such errors. Not a shabby beginning, however. It makes me wonder why the speaker feels so dejected from society as it is now. I'm curious as to why there's capitalization on words in the middle of sentences that there shouldn't be. Is there supposed to be some sort of hidden message within this? The paragraph with the speaker speaking to their brother takes an emotional toll on me. I find it deep and meaningful, if not depressing just for the sheer meaning of it alone. So far that has to be the most powerful message that I've witnessed in this whole piece; although the entire thing rips me apart to think about. A painful and to a small extend relatable read. I must say that I actually enjoyed this a lot; it's realistic in a way that a lot of teens go through some sort of stage of this. Deep and meaningful. I like the wording but wish there was more of a sense of reason behind this; or some other source other than the somewhat rantish feel that occurs here.
Finally, I want to thank you for entering #Horror-Writers-Unite's contest! It means a lot to the staff that you choose to join in. Good luck to you!
That's why I've added the critique feature, so others could point out what I can't see. I can't see the capitalization of the words in middle of sentences going through it, I did most of it after semi colons. Am I supposed to do that?
I'm glad you found it relatable, I know there's a lot of work that still has to do it and I'm thankful you can point that out for me. Any specific sentences I need to fix, or anything that doesn't make sense? I'd like all the help I can get on this as on any of my pieces.
Thank you for reading, it was a pleasure entering your contest.
Please, don't be sorry everyone who has ever hurt you should be sorry, because if each and every one of them could read this now I'm sure they'd regret it!!! How couldn't they? Every little word they've said to you, every comment that even had the potential to hurt was aimed with precise and deadly accuracy and now it's caused you to feel like this. We love you and nothing will ever change that. Sometimes I really have time to think and I almost wish that I was blind, for real. Being blind is not a disability... I would see it as an ability, and actually sight as the disability. Why? Because people see everything... they see the clothes you wear, the color of your skin, your outward appearance and everything about you that they choose not to like in the end. But when you're blind... when you're blind you can see the heart. It's sort of like meeting you through a website I don't know what you look like, but I know you're my friend and I can see what's in your heart
This is a very personal piece, and because of that I'm cautious to give advice on the content, so I'm going to comment on the writing style instead. Smaller paragraphs!! I can't explain how important that is when writing. Huge blocks of text, especially in English writing, is hard on a reader. Break it up a bit. A good rule I use is if you've started a new thought, start a new paragraph. Second, be careful with punctuation. In some places you have a comma where a period should be. Other than that, good writing.
Those are both common mistakes of mine, thank you very much for catching both of those. I've edited sentences with excess comments and such, but don't really know how to break up the larger paragraphs. Thank you for reading and for the advice.
My advice for learning on how to break up paragraphs is just have someone else read your work before posing it. If they feel that it's too long, as where a break should go. Writing is a major learning experience. Heck, I'm in college and make mistakes!
That's why I'm trying out this critique feature thing, and am so far loving it. I've gotten to edit it since more suggestions have been made and things have been pointed out that I wouldn't have found on my own.
It really is. I'm sixteen and have learned so much and grown through writing just by posting things on here.
That's because people love their façades. Over time, you get good at hiding things. I'm an actress, so pretending is something that comes naturally to me. When I'm feeling down, it's simple - almost natural - for my face to stretch into an easy smile in the presence of someone who I don't want asking questions. My brother knows about my...issue. I wouldn't call it an addiction. It's hard, though. Always hiding. Never in the light no matter how bright it gets. There is always that one dark corner beckoning... Drawing you near... Purging out the light.
You should write if you want to...I don't like uploading my artwork on here sometimes either because I'm afraid it's too bad, that I'll get criticized for it. But it's that criticism that really does help in the long run.
Getting to know you is wonderful...you're seriously one of the nicest people I've ever met.
Don't ever be afraid, my darling. If the things you write come from you, you shouldn't worry about anything. There are a lot of people on here, who love you the way you are.. Kinda overused phrase, but still, it gains the real meaning on the site..
You know my lovely, I'm just trying to give all the good back.
Again I read it all. Your writing is beautiful I can relate to all your thoughts and feelings except that I don't have a good relationship with my sister haha. My dad ignores me cause he doesn't like the way I am, my mom always tries to get me to be normal sociable and wear preppy clothes. I've changed school twice cause of bullying so I know how you feel and I trust you won't kill yourself cause I had those thoughts for over a year and here I am
I can definitely relate...everyone just wants me to be normal...and I just want to be myself. I've changed schools cause of that too, kids and even teachers can be ruthless. Nothing to kill yourself over for, I just sometimes think how much nothing I'm doing for everyone is all. Thanks for reading
Please do not kill yourself. Everyone gets very down and some more than others, but we are ALL human and we require love from one another so x100000000 because we are all here for you if you need to talk. If it makes you feel any better I'm in a shitty situation myself and I have recently cut myself (I haven't done that in forever until about 2 days ago.) and I'm not proud of it, it is something I still have to work on I guess. WE ALL LOVE YOU!! Don't take your life away.
I won't do it...I've spent most of my life thinking about these things. I don't cut more than I do constantly pick myself...many times I don't even realize I'm doing it. I use my own fingernails to cause my scars...I still don't know why I do it.