Contemplating Recklessness and Defeat.

My brother almost died last night. 

His middle school band class rode the bus to the coast for their spring concert. While the drive to the Oregon coast is my favorite drive, it consists of windy roads and going over the speed limit on the sharp and narrow turns could be a fatal mistake. It nearly cost my brother's life. 

They were on their way back home, which was not too much longer away. The bus, picking up speed, approached a bridge when it began to tip over. The children screamed. He screamed. My brother, even being so small and shy, is very courageous and I've never heard him cry in fear before. It leaned back the other way, and with a fifty-fifty chance of life or death, God was looking out for them. 

First I was outraged. I can't believe a bus driver would be so reckless being responsible for so many young lives, especially on a drive out of the coast. Then I kept watching him, hearing his voice, and thought about how fragile life really is. I gave him the tightest hug I could muster and started tearing up the instant I was certain he couldn't see me cry. He's alive and not injured and I am so grateful to God for his and everyone's safety. I can't begin to contemplate being an only child again so soon. He taught me how to laugh and play and love and trust and open myself up to people. He's a teenager now, not the kindergartner I spent long hours wielding plastic lightsabers with after school, but his humor, his laughter, and especially his love ensured a forever strong relationship. We seldom ever fought. I miss spending time with him. I want to turn back the clock and go back to playing PlayStation 2 games on our bunk-beds and having no responsibilities again. 

I hope the bus driver is held accountable for his actions. These poor middle schoolers probably fear going on another bus ever again, including Joshua. It reminded me of the car accident incident during a choir trip, but that wasn't nearly as severe as an entire busload of students nearly tipping over a fucking bridge. I'm not sure if I want to take the bus for our senior skip trip in May as it is also likely to be on the coast, and if that driver is a representative of other drivers here, I'm not risking my safety just for one dumb get away with people I don't really know. 

Sorry for the pessimism. I went to Portland for the Oregon Right to Life Oratory state contest today after winning the local contest a month ago. My speech was focused on the epidemic of the abortion of special needs children in America whose disorders can be detected in the womb such as Down syndrome. The abortion rate for Down syndrome babies is an astonishing 90%, and it broke my heart learning deeper into it. The winner of this contest would win $400 and an all expense paid trip to New Orleans for the national contest. 

I was the last one to speak, and I dwelled on Joshua, and how precious all of life is. Both contestants and adult spectators congratulated me, and it was encouraging to hear passionate speeches from other politically active high school students. But the results were far off from what I expected them to be. My heart skipped a beat when the third and second place winners were announced. I was shocked to see that they weren't awarded to other contestants who I thought were more deserving and had more passionate speeches. The winning name was then called to the podium and it wasn't mine. I didn't even place and the agony of defeat hit me like a brick wall. I worked so hard on my speech and delivery and sacrificed much time out of studying for college and working at home for essentially nothing. It's all a learning experience, but I wish I would of at least been given a reason as to what I did wrong. The judges, even after the winner was announced, refused to disclose anything to the contestants. The actual content was only 25% of the scoring, which didn't make sense to me, and I thought there were at least three speeches that were better than the winning one. 

There is no next year or next time. I'm not wasting any more time in contests and bullshit, or at least not for the rest of the school year; I'll stick to scholarships. The end is so close yet so far. I have a ten page essay due soon, and I wasted time memorizing my speech rather than researching for this massive paper I barely even started. Finals are in two weeks, and I can't doubt myself, but I will if I keep ignoring the problem rather than tackling it. 

Joshua came to comfort and console me and his love means infinitely more to me than some cash and a ribbon. I almost lost the love of my life, my best friend, my only brother, because of one person's carelessness. We as a family are making sure that something is done about this, not just for the sake of my brother, but for every student on that bus who may fear ever riding one again.